


Silent

by kimseungmine



Category: Chen Qin Ling, MDZS, Mo Dao Zu Shi, Untamed - Fandom, cql, mo xiang tong xiu - Fandom, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV)
Genre: M/M, Wang Yibo - Freeform, WangXian, WuJi - Freeform, xiao zhan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:20:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22143979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimseungmine/pseuds/kimseungmine
Summary: The night was silent. The winter was cold.For Lan Wangji, it had been a long time since the sunlight warmed the coldness of the snow.How long has it been? How many winters have passed? He stopped counting a long time ago. Each day just felt as frozen as the next.
Relationships: Hanguang Jun / Yiling Patriarch, Lan Wangji / Wei Wuxian, WangXian - Relationship, WuJi - Relationship, lan zhan / wei ying
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	1. Silence

**Author's Note:**

> This is a **5-part series** on Lan Wangji before his reunion with Wei Ying. I think that Lan Zhan is such a beautiful and complex soul, and I'm quite sad that we did not hear much of his thoughts with everything that happened. What I wish to do with this series is to put his thoughts into words. His actions always spoke louder in the pivotal moments, but I believe that it's important to explore his feelings fully during those times. Here is my attempt at that. Wangji will be silent no more.

The night was silent. The winter was cold. 

For Lan Wangji, it had been a long time since the sunlight warmed the coldness of the snow.

How long has it been? How many winters have passed? He stopped counting a long time ago. Each day just felt as frozen as the next.

Here he was again at the end of a long day, playing Inquiry on his guqin. As always, there was no answer. The soul he sought only gave him silence. 

Why couldn’t _he_ answer him now? After pestering him so many times before, why couldn’t he utter a single word to him now? 

Wangji sighed, feeling defeated and betrayed. He had had since grown accustomed to these two feelings over the past decade. Neither of them lingered for too long. It was winter after all and the frosty gusts of wind were inevitable. He always sought shelter and solace in his own way. 

When the silence that came after the notes of Inquiry had come to pass, the melody of his guqin shifted to a more sentimental tune. This was his shelter. His heart found the solace it longed for in this song. It sung of older times; times wherein he was younger and optimistic. The notes carried with it a sense of regret and reminiscence, but Wangji turned to it regardless because it was proof that those times did indeed exist. 

What happened then really did happen; the feelings he felt were real.

More importantly, he was there. He and Wangji went through it all together. All their smiles and all their scars were not imagined. They were reality. 

Wei Wuxian was real. Wei Wuxian existed. He was there, and Wangji still lived with the hope that he still is. 

Somewhere.

Anywhere.

He continued playing the song on his guqin. His fingers gracefully danced on the strings without him even thinking. His muscles had long memorized the choreography after repeating over a thousand times.

When did he start writing this piece? 

A small smile glazed his lips as he remembered that night as if it was yesterday. 

Back then, the lessons in Cloud Recesses were reaching its finality. Students from the other clans were both relieved and saddened. For someone that did not grow up in Cloud Recesses, living within the norm of the Gusu Lan Sect was a challenge. That challenge was coming to a close as their graduation drew near. A lantern ceremony was arranged for the delegates. This was Gusu Lan tradition. The end of each year was always celebrated this way. All of the students, both Lan and not, looked forward to this event. 

Wangji had been silently doing the design of his lantern in one corner of the field when someone took a seat right beside him. He looked up, knowing right away who it would be. 

“Lan Zhan, I’ll make lanterns with you, okay?”

He gave Wei Wuixian a small nod and looked down once more to tend to what he was doing. He was nearly done painting the details of the spring on his lantern. He knew that whatever he replied would’ve been ignored. Wuxian would do as he wished. This person had been pestering him consistently for the past year, so it was just as he expected that he would still be a looming presence to the very end. At this point, Wangji just let him do what he wanted. Everyone would be on their way back to their homes by tomorrow anyway. 

Wangji silently worked, careful with the intricate details of his lantern. Right next to him, Wuxian was busy working on his as well, but he somehow found a way to annoy the others at the same time. He even ended up setting fire to Nie Huaisang’s lantern prematurely. Poor Huaisang had to do his all over again. Despite this, he still gave Wangji most of his attention.

“Lan Zhan, shall we set a lantern together to make a wish since we’ve been through a lot, us two?”

Wangji immediately dismissed him, “I’m used to being alone.”

“You can change your habits anyway,” Wuxian scoffed. “And I made my lantern specially for you. Look.”

He reluctantly regarded him, not sure what to expect. He remembered the time at the Library Pavilion when Wuxian stealthily replaced the book he was reading with one that was forbidden. He would not be surprised if he pulled something similar on him again. 

Fortunately, he did not. 

On his lantern was a rabbit, pure white and wearing the Gusu Lan’s headband. It was on a patch of grass, surrounded by flowers. 

Lan Zhan’s eyes lit up. He could not help but smile. 

“Hey, you smiled! You should do that more often!”

He immediately caught himself, glaring at Wuxian. Wuxian was unfazed, flashing him a wide grin. After many months together, he knew by now not to take Lan Wangji’s moods too seriously. Underneath his rigid personality, which was a huge contrast to his own unorthodox ways, was a person he shared many things in common with. They share the same principles and their skills were at par with each other; he greatly respected him for that. As difficult as he seemed as a person, he wanted to be close to him. Wangji was different from the other disciples. He wasn’t as amiable as Huaisang nor as congenial as Wen Ning, but that’s simply how he was. It took some time, but Wuxian had already accepted that. He simply needed to reach out to him with greater effort. After spending some time together, Wuxian could say that he was successful in doing exactly that. He was able to make him smile after all!

They had spent quite a while perfecting their lanterns when Grand Master and Xichen finally gathered them again in the field. It was time to light the lanterns up and watch them fly. 

Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian stood beside each other as they both lit up their lanterns.  
At once, they let go of them, watching them float up above the night sky. They closed their eyes and made their wishes known to the world. 

“I, Wei Wuxian, wish that I can always stand with justice and live with no regrets.”

Wangji looked at Wuxian as he uttered this to himself. He had spoken the words Wangji wished for in the silence of his own heart. They were one and the same. 

Although Wangji blatantly dismissed all of Wuxian’s advances towards him in the past year, he could not help but appreciate his sincerity. He had done many things that annoyed Wangji to the point that the ground beneath him would shake, but he had also redeemed himself many times over. His persistence in all of his endeavors was a feat, even if some of those endeavors were in direct violation of the Gusu Lan’s principles. His loyalty to his friends was also commendable; any friend of his would feel lucky to be considered as such. He brought with him laughter and smiles wherever he went and those who were with him could not keep from laughing and smiling too. He was indeed a headache, but he knew how to touch someone’s heart. Wei Wuxian was a breath of fresh air in the languid breeze of Cloud Recesses. This shocked many of the Lan Clan’s disciples, most of all the elders. Lan Xichen saw this and it amused him. Lan Wangji tried to avoid it, but he could not keep from breathing it in; pretty soon, a seed of admiration had been planted in his heart. Although he and Wuxian argued and bickered as if they would always be at odds with each other, the seed had already taken root. It was moments like this one that watered it for blooming. 

Underneath a sky of lanterns, surrounded by the whispers of wisher, Lan Wangji knew right then and there that Wei Wuxian was someone he wanted by his side. 

That same night, he couldn’t seem to get a wink of sleep. His body had taught him to rest at 9 in the evening and rise at 5 in the morning, but it was already a little past 10’o’clock and slumber was far from his reach. 

Finally accepting that nothing was going to happen if he just laid in bed, Wangji stood up. He drew out his guqin, sat down, and began to play. He wasn’t playing any particular piece, but it seemed that his soul wanted to write one of its own. Music has always been a gift of the Gusu Lan clan; this was a fact known to all. To them, it felt as natural as breathing. Sometimes, Wangji just let his fingers and the strings play with each other. He did not talk a lot, but his music always made up for where his words lacked. More often than not, his guqin spoke for him better than he did himself. 

And that night, it had quite a lot to say. 

That was the night he started writing _Wangxian_. He could not understand why at first. He did not know yet that it would be a song about him and Wuxian. He did not know what those feelings were, seeing as he never felt them before. But it seemed that they had to be communicated in one way or another. They simply refused to be left ignored. 

After putting the notes and lyrics into writing, his mind seemed to calm itself. It was far from finished, but it was enough for the time being. He once again laid down in bed and closed his eyes, finally drifting into sleep. He slept peacefully, dreaming of springs, caves, rabbits, and lanterns.

The day after he would be leaving Cloud Recesses to investigate more on the Yin Iron. It was not going to be an easy journey; he couldn’t even guarantee that it would be safe. He wondered then whether the song would ever be completed. He wondered then if he would see Wei Wuxian again. 

They lived in a time where uncertainty was the norm. There was never any certainty when the next meeting will be, the next reunion, the next celebration, or even the next battle. Each day was lived hoping for the best and expecting the worst. The Gusu Lan Sect were the epitome of peace, but they were well aware that the enemy could strike at any time; whoever the enemy was. The world never ran out of one.

The next morning Lan Wangji set off on his own down the mountain. His thoughts lingered in these uncertainties. He set off on his journey with the full intent of being alone, but someone else thought differently. 

Wangji was pleasantly surprised when a voice called out to him that day. He turned around and saw Wei Wuxian waving at him, straining to catch up. A sense of relief washed over him; it seems their song was not over. With it was also a sense of worry. The road they had chosen to take was not going to be free from danger.

They did not know that on that day, when they both decided to take the same path, fate had decided for them as well. While their individual roads had just merely touched before this, they would now be completely intertwined with each other.


	2. Struggle

Wei Wuxian was the first person that Lan Wangji truly cared for and trusted outside of his family. They fought alongside each other, defended each other, and protected each other. They were bonded by something beyond blood; they were bonded by battle and bravery. Surpassing and surviving one life or death situation after another gave a sense of tenacity; as if one could conquer the world with the other. They felt exactly like this.

This feeling of invincibility was short-lived. When Wangji came back home from his journey with Wuxian in Dafan Mountain, there was barely anything left of home to come back to; Cloud Recesses was in flames. The Wen clan launched an ambush after hearing that they had a piece of the Yin iron. 

Wangji was devastated. 

At that point in time, he felt that he was at his lowest and most vulnerable. Cloud Recesses was in ruins, most of it burned to the ground. The Wen clan had gotten what they wanted; the Yin iron was theirs. To make matters worse, his uncle was in a critical condition and his brother was missing. Only a few Gusu Lan disciples were left. Many of them believed that they were at the brink of extinction. Lan Wangji, as strong as his facade was, was still young. He wasn’t even at his best condition at the moment. He could barely walk straight, his leg broken by Wen Xu’s men. 

What could he do? He felt helpless. Unable to confide in his uncle and his brother, he felt alone. 

It was during these moments when he taught of his mother. 

_Why did you leave me like this?_

_How could you do this to us?_

_Do you find joy in my pain?_

The last time he let himself love another, he was left with nothing. He never saw much of his mother, but when he did, she made him feel as warm and as bright as sunshine. When she left, he was left with the cold and rain. Still, he waited and he yearned. When he finally understood that she was really gone, he continued to hope. Year after year he would come back to the same place and expect the same face and the same voice to call out to him; there was none. Year after year of nothing but being empty, he stopped when he had finally ran out. He gave all he could until he left himself dry. At the end of the day, he had no regrets because at least he tried. If he had to lose everything for that one chance of gaining everything back, he would do it. That was who Lan Wangji was. 

Wangji blamed himself for allowing his emotions to faze him now. Many thought that he was emotionless, but what they didn’t know was that he had felt all of these before. He had been a happy, smiling child, but he knew too well that smiles could be stolen away in a snap. And so he promised a long time ago that he would no longer let these feelings hurt and haunt him. He would be neither happy nor sad. If he wasn’t too high or too low, nothing could pull him down. 

He remembered this to be the reason why he had decided to detach himself from these worldly things; they only serve to hurt him in the end. He longed for someone, but he reminded himself of what the longing led to.

What about Wei Wuxian? 

Wuxian was back at home in Yunmeng. After everything they had been through together, one would think that he was someone Wangji could run to; he was just a letter away. In fact, all of the other clans were a letter away. But Wangji did not want to involve them any further. If he did, they would be put in jeopardy as well. Even if Cloud Recesses had fallen, the other pillars had to stand strong. 

It was good that the other clans did not know. It was good that Wuxian did not know. Wangji knew that if he did, he would be exactly the hero that he was. And that would put him in grave danger. 

It was better this way. 

Wangji caught himself. How could he have this in his heart when his home was in ruins? How could he think of Wei Wuxian now? He and Wei Ying belonged in different parts of this world. They had their time together; that was that. There would probably be no next time, and they should just stay and be satisfied with that. 

Tonight, he would be putting an end to their song.

That was the night before the Indoctrination in Qishan. 

That night, he sought comfort in his guqin. He dreamed of days gone by and hoped for days that were yet to be; days better than this one. On that night, Wangji wrote the last note of the song. Tomorrow, he would be in Qishan for the so-called Indoctrination. He did not know what would happen after that. Even if he did not live after this, his music would live on with his guqin. 

The next morning Wangji suffered through the entirety of the trip to Qishan. The only light at the end of the tunnel was that he would be seeing familiar faces once he got there. When he finally arrived, he was immediately escorted by soldiers of the Wen sect on each side. He was treated like a prisoner, and indeed, he was. He dragged his broken leg, struggling to climb the endless staircase. As he saw the disciples from the other clans lined up in front of Wen Chao, he mustered the strength to walk normally. 

“Bring him in!”

Wei Wuxian turned at Wen Chao’s words. After months of not seeing each other, he did not think his and Lan Wangji’s reunion would be like this. As his figure loomed closer, Wuxian could already see that there was something wrong. He sensed that Lan Wangji was not as Lan Wangji was. 

The situation was bleak for all of them, but when Wuxian’s eyes met his, Wangji no longer felt as alone as he was. 

He stood next to the other disciples, fighting to keep himself upright. He was not going to let Wen Chao see him as weak. He was not going to let Wei Ying see him this broken. 

And so he endured the pain on his own. 

Wangji kept his distance from the others. He knew that Wen Chao was watching him closely. Any conversation would be taken as connivance. Any glance would be taken as conspiracy. All of the other sects were under the Wen’s mercy, more so theirs. He did not want to bring anyone down with him. 

He endured, but he wished for the pain to disappear. He wanted someone to help him. He desired for someone to hold him. Wuxian was more than willing to be this person; in fact, Wangji wished for him to be this person. 

But he was not going to let him. 

Day by day, they were subjected to activities that only served to encumber them; memorize scribes, recite the Wen’s principles, and even clean-up dung. They were also asked to surrender their swords, so they could not do much to protest. The Wen clan wanted them to be powerless and they didn’t hesitate to make them feel exactly that. 

All the heavy lifting and walking did not do much to help Wangji’s healing. The pain and swelling were starting to rise from his lower leg to his upper thigh; that was not a good sign. To make things worse, Wen Chao commanded for them to look for a cave. He knew the state Wangji was in, and he took pleasure in knowing he was suffering in silence. 

His condition had gotten harder to hide in the past week. The other disciples came to know what had happened in Cloud Recesses. They knew what happened to Wangji, but they were reluctant to offer any help. It was a sense of fear that stopped them; fear that Wen Chao would punish them for it, but also fear that Wangji would turn them away. 

Wuxian couldn't care less about this. 

“Lan Zhan, are you okay?”

Wangji pretended not to hear him. 

“Do you need help? Let me carry you.”

He still didn’t respond. He wanted to tell Wuxian to stay away from him, even if his heart so badly yearned for him to stay. He was making it hard for Wangji to keep his promise to himself. He had already decided to put an end to this.

Of course, Wuxian did not stay away. He still held onto Wangji’s arm and gave him support the whole way. The pain was unbearable, both on Wangji’s leg and in his heart.

How could he let him go like this?

And so he didn’t. Not yet. Not for now. If this is what it takes to survive the coming days, so be it. 

Those days in Qishan were ones he would never forget, both for the good and the bad. Wen Chao did indeed find his cave, but who knew they would be welcomed by a monster? They were able to escape, thankfully. 

But escape was not immediate for Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian. 

The days and nights they spent trapped in the Xuanwu Cave was a time of strife and suffering, but it was not all that. Somehow, Wangji found peace in that cave. He had many worries in his heart and in his mind. He kept telling himself that he had to survive. He had many reasons to live because he still had many lives to save. If he died now, his clan would die along with him. He couldn’t bear the thought of it. It was a heavy to take it in all at once. If he dwelled too long on all of these things, he felt like he would implode. He had been trying to keep himself from breaking the past few weeks. The Xuanwu was a fearsome creature, but the demons that awaited them outside of this cave were scarier. While he and Wei Ying were in this cave, the did not have to deal with them yet. 

This was where he appreciated Wuxian’s bright outlook on life the most. Even the sun could not penetrate any area of the damp and dark cave, Wuxian’s sunny disposition radiated. They were both injured and hungry, but he remained high-spirited. His laugh echoed through the walls every now and then, and Wangji found comfort in it. He would not have survived those days without him. 

After successfully killing the Xuanwu, the fatigue finally got to Wuxian’s body. The days and nights with no food and water were also affecting their strength. At the brink of collapsing, he asked Wangji to sing for him to break the silence. He did not really expect much, until a sweet and silent melody flowed from Wangji’s lips.

When Wuxian asked for a song, the first thought on Wangji’s mind was the song that he wrote. He hesitated at first, but eventually gave in. Wangji knew that once they were rescued from the cave, he had to go back to his clan right away. He would be parting ways with Wuxian again, but that was alright; what mattered most was that he was safe. Whatever happened after this, he could live or die knowing he had sung Wuxian his song. Whether he remembers or not afterwards was the least of his worries. After all, he did not write the song because he wanted something in return. It was simply his own way of expressing his heart; not once did his heart seek for anything back. 

After being rescued from the cave by the Yunmeng Jiang and Lanling Jin clans, time would pass slowly before Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian would meet again. Many things would transpire. The Lan Clan would struggle, but they would begin to rise again from the ashes. After the tragedy of the Yunmeng Jiang Sect, the other clans could take no more; they would eventually come together to form the Sunshot Campaign. War was inevitable; no one would settled until the Qishan Wen Clan’s sun falls from the sky. 

Wangji and Wuxian did not know that the next time they would be meeting, they would be two different people. Wangji would be a phoenix rising from the flames, victorious but spent and scathed from the battle. Wuxian, on the other hand, would be a crow, growing so accustomed to the darkness of the Burial Mounds, he became darkness itself. 

Wangji felt that he was faced with a Wuxian that was barely even Wuxian. He wanted to help. 

“Wei Ying, come to Gusu with me.” 

“With you? In Gusu, with your 3000 rules? Why would I do that? I like it better in Yiling.”

Where did this tone of come from? He had never heard that before. They’ve fought many times, but all of that was child’s play. His voice sounded like a sword piercing through his soul. 

How could he say that he and Jiang Cheng had been sleepless and tireless in searching for him? How could he say that he desired for just a bit of gratitude? How could he tell him that he wanted to save him just as much as he wanted to save his clan?

How could he say that if he had a choice, he would’ve saved him first?

Please, come to Gusu with me

Maybe if Wuxian knew that this was a plead, things would be different. 

If he looked into Wangji’s eyes at that moment, he would see that he was begging with every bit of his being. But he did not even spare him a glance. He only heard Wanji’s strict, flat tone. And he took offense in it. 

Wuxian tried so many times to get through to Wangji and he let him. Now that he was the one trying to get through to him, why did he receive so much antagonism?

Why did it feel like everything he gained back was so quickly struck down by a loss? 

All he wished for was to be contented, and yet each time it feels as if he was getting close, it disappears from his hands.

Maybe this was his karma for all of the times Wuxian reached out to him and he blatantly rejected him. Maybe he deserved this.

**Author's Note:**

> Please look forward to the coming chapters!


End file.
